I thought it went away, I didn’t think I would feel this again but I do and it’s hurts and I can’t do this to myself. I need clarity and to stand on my own two feet. I just wanted someone to love me, I just wanted someone to make me laugh and push my buttons, maybe do cute things with. All I have ever wanted was love and I guess I’m just fighting to hard for it and that sucks because their are people and places I love that have never seen my face and I just hope that I’m someone’s dream girl. I hope out there someone wishes for me. Even if it’s not you.

I think more than anything, I just missing having my best friend. I miss having someone to spend my days with and something to look forward to. I miss being on your bed and cuddling and talking about the future and even though everyone is telling me not. I want to, I want to fall back into everything and love you fearlessly and have one last summer with someone who has seen me at 16, 17 and now 18. I want to laugh again with someone who knows me completely.

I think more than anything, I want everything to be like it use to be and have a great few last days. Then at the end of summer, Ill kiss you goodbye and it will be bitter-sweet and Ill be happy, to know someone could mean so much to me and that I will hope you feel the same way. 

And as time passes, I hope I see you in your new life and we will both smile because we knew that what we had was beautiful and innocent. 

Maybe one day in the future it will work or maybe this last summer will be the end either way, I want to get closure, and the way I feel is a much different way than before. I have grown, I promise I have, and I need people to see that, I need to see that. 

Part of me wishes, I never texted you and asked you to call me, because now I see we will always be wrong for each other and the fantasy of using being together was so much prettier than this tragic mess we have become. 

And now I have no idea where I go.

Everything will be going great and then I get a cloud of sadness that falls over me. I get super sad and want to cry and sleep. It won’t go away and I can’t explain it without sounding crazy…

What I want is someone to spend my days with, lounge around and watch tv. Eat pizza and make each other laugh.
That’s not a lot to ask for.

But I know I should be alone right now, and spend my days on getting better not wanting someone else.

Only good thing from being alone, is I have learned I will not put up with bullshit anymore. I never want to look foolish ever again because of someone. I’m learning about myself a whole lot.

All day I keep myself busy, I try to preoccupy my mind and hang out with friends.
My mom will ask why I am always out and why I stay out so late. I drank until I want to fall asleep.
But once I’m in my bed it hits me. I feel lonely and want to cry but it’s 5 am and no one is up.
So my mind runs through everything reminding me on how no matter what I do I am alone.
And even with the alcohol still in me numbing some of the pain, I can feel it racing in my vines, on how lonely I am and how shitty I always end up feeling once I’m alone at night.

Listen here, I’m ready to move out of this town and find a cute little indie boy who makes music and loves people who are broken.

My room is to hotttt, merr. Someone save me from hell. I want to write lovely stories of people falling in love and be snow white at Disney World. Muthafuckers… What what.

To much to drink and I’m losing my mind, losing my heart, and losing time. I’m wasting this by blogging when I should be drunk calling an ex and begging him to come home. Oh baby, you should come home.

I was drunk and blogging. Fuck….. I like you and am not going to play it shy. I’m up front so darling come lay with me in bed and tell me tales of heartache. I’ll kiss the pain away.

Young adult. Couch. You, me at 2:30 am.

Sleep, speed, dream, queen, need, hide, subside.

For some odd reason, I was under the impression that if I changed my look. I would change… Not the case, seems like I’m still really lost and have no idea what I’m doing with my life. 

All I want right now is love, from anybody and everybody. I want to feel safe and like I know what I am doing. When in reality, I am so so lost and have no idea what my next move is. I feel like hiding out from the world, under my covers and dreaming about the one day. 

You know from here on out, life gets real. We go to school, to get a job to pay for bills and the world starts to get cold on you and it’s tough and you feel alone but everyone does but no one wants to admit it. So it’s this big secret that we are all tying to hide. I liked it when my dreams were just an idea far out of reach.

You know? That was enough for me. To dream one day it might happen, but one day is today and I’m scared shitless that I’m going to fuck everything up and all I want is someone to come hold my hand and walk me through it and say:

I promise you aren’t alone, and you are loved. So don’t you worry your pretty little mind. Things are going to turn out just fine.

Then, I would believe them and fall asleep and wake up the next morning happier than can be.

How I love to dream. 

Cut my hair and pierced my nose. 

I got really panicky once it was done, and felt light headed. I still do. I don’t think this is normal but whatever.

Today, I start fresh, I will no longer be a yours to have, I will move forward and look towards the future.

I want to make some HUGE changes in my life and I neeed to start with eliminating shitty people from my life. 

This explains just how I feel:

“I just wanna throw my phone away
Find out who is really there for me
You ripped me off, your love was cheap
Was always tearing at the seams
I fell deep, you let me down
But that was then and this is now
Now look at me

Now look at me I’m sparkling
A firework, a dancing flame
You won’t ever put me out again
I’m glowin’, oh whoa” -Katy Perry

Tomorrow, I shall cut my hair, pierce my nose, and purge myself of you.

I want to be someone completely different then who I was with you. My friend Chris told me that I need to remind who I was before I met you and I think this is the time that I need to rediscover myself and learn what I want again.

I’m so glad I’m surround by people who are encouraging these changes and love me for me. 

On Skype Sam is begging me not to cut my hair and tells me to play this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dD_reLff1cM

Besides being ready for huge changes, here are some pictures that were involved in my day.

On me not being able to move on.

and

My friend photo shopped a photo of me with a nose piercing. I like it a lot. 

and last but not least a picture of me in the bathtub with bubbles, I feel like this is super slutty to post, but I like the picture a lot and all you see are my shoulderss…. ughh

I have met a boy who I can sit on webcam for hours on end with no make, crying my eyes out, and wearing my glasses. Who still adores every single part of me.

If only this was a different place, if only I wasn’t in love with him, if only I wasn’t such a loving person, maybe you and I could work.

I turned 18, and to be honest I didn’t think I would live to see this day. I have been blessed with the most amazing people and made HUGE life changes. Getting over my Ex, will be one of the hardest things I do but I deserve better and after this weekend, people have shown me just how good life can be.

I met an amazing boy who is kind and sweet. We talked for a while after a party and I can honestly say he makes me restore my faith in boys.

While I rekindle an old flame with a friend, who is a guy and only wanted to get in my pants at the party. Which was FUCKING ANNOYING!!! He reminded me how douche guys can be.

Simply put it, I have learned that people will surprise you, whether it be good or bad and I can’t help but hope. I meet more people who will make me love this world rather than hate who people can be because I’ve been let down a lot and I’m tired of being hurt by everyone.

So here is my promises to myself for my eighteenth year:

• Love myself more
• Don’t trust so easily
• Take life day by day
• Stop trying to figure everything out 
• Take chances and never feel bad for them
• Live my life for myself and no one else
• Become a better person
• Be true to myself
• and never stop loving, even if the world turns it back on me. I want to never become cynical or hate people because of it. There is good in the world, I just need to find it.